Blood Donation

Ok, so i donated blood for the first time today. I was so nervous that it was going to hurt, but it really wasn't too bad, except that my arm hurt for a while after.
But i feel like it was a good thing to do.

So my eating has been more of restricting than anything else latley, with the exception of sunday. I spent from like 10-4 binging and purging, and i broke a blood vessel in my eye.
But i feel like things are going ok, there not great and nothing is perfect, but i'm trying and i guess that's all that counts. My Dr. told me she'd rather have me restricing than purging, so i'm going to try and follow what she said, even though i know she'd rather have me doing neither.

Falling Backwards

ok, so in my last post things were going relativly well. However i've dosedived quiet a bit. Since Tuesday and it is know Saturday night, i've eatten as much in that span as most people eat in about a day. As far as liquids i've only consumed coffee, diet coke, and hot chocolate. That's right no water. i know this is not good, not good at all. The first few days were really difficult for me, and know even if i want to eat, it just seems kinda hard.
Like today for example, i ate 1/2 a chicken salad wrap w/lettuce...know this is a good decision, healthy, everything like that, i know this. For hours after i'm practically beating myself over the head for doing it. Now i know how many calories about i just ate, it's not that much, but for some reason i couldn't get over the fact that i stuffed that 1/2 a wrap in my mouth. And i'm thinkin, this is a good thing. You ate something that's good for you. At least your not going to pass out from not eating, but ED is just so obnoxious that he doesn't care.
Now what's a girl to do when faced with this delema?(think i spelled that wrong, sorry)

Anyway on a better note, i went to Endicott College Open House, and my god i think i'm in love.
I so want to go there. Now i just have to apply and get in. So i've been thinking about boarding, and my gosh what an experience i think i would have. However i have a dog and cat, that i love with my entire heart. Now my cat my mom will take care of, so sure if i went away i'd miss him, but he'd be there for me to see on weekends, and holidays. Now my dog, my mom won't take care of, so what do i do with her. It would break my heart to give her away and never see her agian. Plus is that fair to her? If anyone has any suggestions here, i'd really appreciate them.

Straightening Out

Well everyone, things are starting to even out. I know, I know this is good news. So meal plan thing, still not really happening, but more often then not I am consuming more calories. This is a good thing. Well at least that is what i'm constantly telling myself.
Yes, logically i know, calories are good, i should be happy, but i'm not. Theres some kind of empty feeling, not physically, but emotionally. I wish that things could go back to the way they were this summer. Yes i was having a hard time, and yes it was a lot of work, but i was happy. Truely happy, not caring if things went perfectly or not, but learning how to take things in strides. I want that back.

So on a lighter note, my prom is going to be at Fenway Park on May 21st. Long time off i know, but i can't help but be excited. Schools going well. I amazingly got a 90 on a math quiz which just astounds me. I think i spelled that wrong, sorry, my spellin is a little shacky.

Talk to you all later.

Eating Disorder Stink

As you all know I left treatment this summer, and was home and things were going pretty well. Things stayed good until about 2 weeks after being back at school. Now i am in a full relapse. Things aren't as bad as they were before treatment, but they're certainly not going well.

I'm finding it extreamly hard to follow my meal plan requirements. I'm not sure exactly why, but I do believe it may have something to do with the fact that I'm terrified of gaining weight. Logically i know i didn't gain weight over the course of treatment, but i was starting to feel like i was getting hudge. It started out as skipping a snack, then a snack and a meal. And i won't mention numbers, but i am eating significanly fewer calories than i'm suppose to be eating.

Also purgeing, i mean why the hell would i start that up again? I don't know. But i do know that i have, but only when i feel like i've eatten too much, so it averages 1-2x a day, if i eat over so many calories.

Calorie counting, another thing i havent' done in a long time. Why i'm doing it know, couldn't tell you.

So aside from the whole eating disorder suck thing, schools going well. I like my classes, love being with my friends, and teachers are ok. But i do know that i need to get back on track, so if anyone out there has any suggestions, i'd love to hear them.

Home

Well i've been home now for almost two weeks. I'm in a day program in
Brookline now. Things were going really well at first, but not anymore. The issues around body image have been really intense. With no one reallly holding me accountable for my eating disordered issues, things are slowly slipping backwards again, and i'm not sure how to fix it. I've been restricting, binging and purging all weekend, and i'm not sure what to do or how to fix it. When i woke up this morning i thought i would get right back on track from yesterday, but that hasn't happened yet. I"m really dissapointed in myself.

Getting close to leaving...Day 24

Hello everyone....
it's been awhile. Well after 24 days here, i'm going to be stepping down to the partial program most likely on Monday. Its not that i'm feeling ready to step down, but my insurance is running out. Apparently they were only giving me 30 days between residental and the partial program... we just found this out.
So i'm thinking that i'll stay through the weekend and then step down on Mon.
Even though i'm really not feeling like i'm completly ready the only way to go is on...
When i first found out i had a kind of meltdown, but i'm adjusting to the idea. I just wish that i'd have more than 4 1/2 days in the partial program, to really feel like i'm ready. But theres not much i can do about it i guess.

Screwed UP

Well i royally screwed up yesterday. i had my second solo pass, and i purged while out. i've never felt like such a failure in my entire life. The on ly good thing that came of it, is i realized how much i don't want this anymore. However after much contemplation i decided to tell an RC~know my passes for today are gone, so i'm stuch inside...i'm not sure if my passes for the rest of the weeken are gone too or not...i have to wait until monday to talk to a case manager, adn mine isn't going to be here. I'm suppose to have a full day pass Tues. for my birthday, and i'm worried that they wont' give it to me know. However, if i'm 100% compliant between now and then i can't see a reason they wouldn't let me go, and neither did the RC that was working last night. i just hope we're right. My C.M. won't be here tomarrowhich means it will probably be up to another CM, which i think is a good thing. But we'll see. I am going to do anyting to make sure i can go Tues. No matter what i'm going.

Day 8

Well not much has been going on. I got put on partial sharps which was awesome. I also am able to go on my first pass for 45 mins. today. Its short, but i don't even care. I can't wait to taste some real coffee. I'm suppose to go to a wedding July 4th, but my case manager doesn't want me to go, because she thinks that it would be triggering...although i don't think so. I'll be around my mom, so she can watch me to make sure i eat and that i dont' throw up. I realy really want to go. i mean i'm not a baby, if i think that i can handle it, i think that i should make the shot...but all well i guess. i'm still gonna talk to my C.M. for more info.

Sick of Meals

I am so sick of meals. I feel like all they try to do here is stuff your face and make you gain weight even if you don't have to and i'm reallly really sick of the bullshit. I know that i've gained weight, no matter what they say. I can feel it and see it. I'm sick of eating, i've had enough of it. GGGRRRRR!!!!!!! I can't stand it anymore, i will die if i have to eat another f*ckin thing. i swear to god.

Day Six

Well i officially hate meals...
I think that they're too much to handle sometimes. I don't know, they seem pretty stupid. But even more than meals pissing me off, the lack of movement is getting to me way more.
Last night i was so fed up with eating and not being able to move around i thought i was going to die. Then i could feel food comeing back up, and i was trying to stay really focused on not letting anything come back up, so i didn't. Instead i just watched a movie and fell asleep. However after napping i felt even worse, and then it was snack time, which sucked even more.
I felt like i couldn't talk to anyone, and i really didn't want to eat snack, becasue it just made me feel way worse, but what could i do. I didn't think that by telling the RC's they would let me skip snack, so i ate and feel back asleep.

Today seems to be a bit better. Still really boring with no moving around, but my vitals are finally stable which means i can go out on outing today, and i think we're going bowling, so that atleast will be fun.

Talk to you all tomarrow.

Day Four & Meal Plan Increase

Well i'm freaking out slightly. This morning was my first meal with an increased plan. So it was a little more than usual, but it made me really really full. And my mom is coming to visit me today, which i really didn't expect her too, so i'm really happy, but nervous at the same time. My mom wants me out by next Friday, and i'm almost positive i won't be ready to leave by then, so that's a little bit stressful.

So i've been getting to know the staff at CEDC, and i've come to the conclusion there a little strange. Adrienne was walking around all day yesterday singing Micheal Jackson songs, and she's very animated about it. For some reason i got the feeling that Adrienne really hated me, but know i think we're cool. Sadie is awesome and really cool, although she wants to be in the army, so i couldn't really wrap my head around why she's here with kids with eating disorders, but it's all cool. Megan in also pretty cool, and she wants to be a doctor and decided she'd rather work with ED's than drug addicts. And that's all i've found out about the staff so far, but you know, it's only been four days, i'm sure i'll be able to get the scoup on everyone.

So a general question to those of you out there struggling or in recovery...does it ever feel like other people soul purpose is to feed you until your about to burst. I feel like that know. I feel like we eat every two secounds....also they give us tons of fluids. I've probably peed more in the past four days than i usually do in two weeks. Literally...it's kinda scary.

Day Three

Well day three has just started for me. Yesterday was a really tough day. I can't believe how many movements are considered excersise. I must have gotten told to stop moving around at least 50 times. And something i can't wrap my head around, why the hell would they give a group of anorexics and bulimics food like brownies, and apple pie. Like omg, what were they thinking. i'm sorry but to me that was the most irresponisible and least thought out thing i can ever imagine happening.

For those of you that have been in treatment before, does it always seem like your doing something wrong. I constantly feel that way. And some of the groups seem the least helpful in the entire world, its like are they suppose to make you feel worse or feel better, i'm not sure yet. I don't know i guess we'll see how everything goes.

My first few days in treatment

My first few days has been slightly entertaining. When i first got here girls crowed into my room to say hi, which was really nice and made me feel at home. However my first snack and meals have been extreamly challenging, and i sometimes hate it.
So i'm not really sure what to say or how blogspot works, so send me comments.