Its Been a very long time

Well, hello everyone.
I had really stopped using blogger because as many of you know I had videos up on Youtube for viewing. They are still up, but due to the unfortunate event of my laptop being stolen, this is the only way to keep everyone updated for right now.

Well in July I was rushed to the ER after drinking a fourloko. Now if you haven't tried one they are extreamly strong. I do not reccommend drinking the whole can at once and definily not on an empty stomach. I was apparently in extreamly rough shape. I was admitted to the hospital and from there was brought to Walden Behavioral care for the ongoing eatting disorder. Know if you haven't been keeping up, my eatting disorder had gone from bad to worse in a few short months. I had hardly been eating anything and I was abusing laxitives and going to the gym.
Well Walden kept me for 36 days in there inpatient care. I spent that time getting back into the swing of eating, getting on a meal plan, going to groups, and in one istance i was sent to the ER for iv fluid hydration, and put on bed rest upon my return to Walden. That is really why I haven't been around.
Since being discharged I had to move out of my dorm in college, because the college asked me to take a semester off, register for classes at a community college, meet my new treatment team ect. My eating disorder if definitly better than when I went into Walden, but it is not cured. It is a daily struggle working towards recovery.

Been a Long Time

So its been forever since my last update. Some of you already know, but the rest of you i'd like to let know i've finally graduated high school, and i head off to Bridgewater State College on July 6th.
So ED wise, since school got out things have kind of gone down the tubes. I probably have purged at least 3x a day since i got out of school. I think some of it has to do with so much unstructured time, and being nervous about going away to school.
Although part of it i do know has been about the summer, and wearing shorts and stuff.

I'm nervous that when i go to college i won't make friends...and that without anyone knowing about ed i'll let him take over. I already fantisize about getting out of meals and excersing and loosing wieght. I know this isn't good, and i know it's not what i should be thinking about.

It's been one year today that i went to treatment. And in that year, sure, i've gained the weight back that i'd lost, but i'm still no healthier. I wonder if i can divorce ed, or if he'llbe part of me forever, and since i don't know it scares me. But then sometimes i wonder if i want to be better. i don't know, and i really don't know what i'm rambling about. I mean i choose to have an eating disorder, the fact that it know has become an addiction is really my own fault i guess.]

I'll post again soon.

Hard Times

So things have been kind of difficult for me lately. I have been restricting from Mon-Fri. then eating normally Fri. night and Sat. and binging and purging on Sun. I hate restricting. But after a day, its really hard to bring myself to eat. Last week i almost cried after going into the caf. at school because they were haveing chicken cesaur wraps, ad i was so hungy and wanted one so bad, but i couldn't bring myself to eat one. So i left. Sometimes having an eating disorder is one of the worst things in the world. I wish that i could just put it behind me. But no mattter how bad it is or how much i hate it, i just keep going back to it.

I went to my dr. last week. She said that i am loosing weight, but i dont' see that. Infact i've been feeling like i'm blowing up like a balloon. I ended up crying. I need to loose weight enough so that i can see the difference. All i want is to be happy with the way i look, and i don't know why i can't.

I leave for Europe in like 20 days. My hope is that i can eat normally and everything while i'm there, because i don't want to ruin the trip for anyone or myself. I want to be able to enjoy it, and if i'm starving i won't enjoy it, and if i'm purging others won't enjoy it. I pray that it will be ok. But from know until then it seems like the above schedule will be my life. I really want to loose weight by prom. I dont' want to look like a whale, which is how i feel. We'll just have to wait and see how things go. I wish i were able to loose weight quickly w/o my eating disorder, i just dont' know how.

YouTube - anniebird04's Channel#p/a/u/2/Pr4xnWa1R2M

YouTube - anniebird04's Channel#p/a/u/2/Pr4xnWa1R2M

worn out

My stomach hurts so badly. I had really been trying to stay on my meal plan. Over the weekend I went back to restricting. Fri. and Sat. I hardly ate anything. Sunday became more or less a bulimic day, but then I thought I should get back on track again so I ate and didn't purge. But I feel like I'm really paying for that know. My stomach feels like it's going to explode. I'm getting sick of following my plan already and I've only been back on it for two weeks. I don't know how long i can keep this up. I know I have to be eating regulary w/o purging to go to Europe, which is in 30 days. But I don't know if I can hold out that long.

On another note....this is a long story so none of you know. I have a twin. Well he begged my mom to let his girlfriend move in and she's driving me crazy. She's not working right now, so all she does all day everyday is sit in his room watching TV and texting. It's not fair. I did not agree to clean up after another person. She was suppose to help out around the house and she's not. She doesn't do anything. And to top it all off I'm jealous of her because she's so skinny. She's a x-small in clothes. She eats what ever she wants and she eats 3x a day, but she eats small amounts. Its not fair. Why is she so skinny and how does she stay that way?

I"M BACK

ok, so it's been a super long time since my last blog.
I'm going to see Alice and Wonderland tonight, and i'm so excited.

But back to treatment related things. As most of you know i fell off the recoery wagon around Christmas. Things got so bad. I had basically stopped eating and lost 11 lbs in two weeks. So over Feb. break i decided that i need to get back on track. i started looking into treatment options again. But i didn't want to miss school or prom or my trip to Europe so i haven't gone. i did decide to get back onto a meal plan though. So it is week two of the meal plan i was on when i left CEDC. I feel horrible. I don't even feel like i'm maintaining like i did in CEDC, but gaining. Everyone says it's because i wasn't eating, but it sucks. I'm going to give it until i come back from Europe. I better be loosing weight in a healthy way by then. If i'm not i don't know what i'm going to do. I've also been given the ok to exercise again. If i'm not doing better i fear for relapse, and don't know if i'll be strong enough to ask for help this time.

I need some advice on how to beat eds ass on my own.

Blood Donation

Ok, so i donated blood for the first time today. I was so nervous that it was going to hurt, but it really wasn't too bad, except that my arm hurt for a while after.
But i feel like it was a good thing to do.

So my eating has been more of restricting than anything else latley, with the exception of sunday. I spent from like 10-4 binging and purging, and i broke a blood vessel in my eye.
But i feel like things are going ok, there not great and nothing is perfect, but i'm trying and i guess that's all that counts. My Dr. told me she'd rather have me restricing than purging, so i'm going to try and follow what she said, even though i know she'd rather have me doing neither.