Hard Times

So things have been kind of difficult for me lately. I have been restricting from Mon-Fri. then eating normally Fri. night and Sat. and binging and purging on Sun. I hate restricting. But after a day, its really hard to bring myself to eat. Last week i almost cried after going into the caf. at school because they were haveing chicken cesaur wraps, ad i was so hungy and wanted one so bad, but i couldn't bring myself to eat one. So i left. Sometimes having an eating disorder is one of the worst things in the world. I wish that i could just put it behind me. But no mattter how bad it is or how much i hate it, i just keep going back to it.

I went to my dr. last week. She said that i am loosing weight, but i dont' see that. Infact i've been feeling like i'm blowing up like a balloon. I ended up crying. I need to loose weight enough so that i can see the difference. All i want is to be happy with the way i look, and i don't know why i can't.

I leave for Europe in like 20 days. My hope is that i can eat normally and everything while i'm there, because i don't want to ruin the trip for anyone or myself. I want to be able to enjoy it, and if i'm starving i won't enjoy it, and if i'm purging others won't enjoy it. I pray that it will be ok. But from know until then it seems like the above schedule will be my life. I really want to loose weight by prom. I dont' want to look like a whale, which is how i feel. We'll just have to wait and see how things go. I wish i were able to loose weight quickly w/o my eating disorder, i just dont' know how.